It has been a while that i last blog. The feeling of laziness and of boredom have overshadowed me once again. I have never tried sticking to doing one thing and i realise before completing it, i end up doing something else. Its just my habit of prefering changes that i seem to never settle down on one thing.

One of my reason of starting to write today is to vent out my disappointed and partly to pour our my distress to Him. I needed some form of recuperating that i find myself writing now. Would be taking a nap after my entry in order to regain back my composure again for another session of studying and preparing myself for the next paper on Thursday.

Me and Him

Dear God,

At this point of time, i really feel sorry for myself. Sorry to say that i have disappointed myself and the people around me. I have taken this moment pretty badly knowing the fact that a chance was there and i was too afraid to take it that i lost my focus and ultimately saw success taken away from me. I really do not know wat to say or wat to feel. All i can say now is that I'm seriously disappointed at myself for not achieving the mark. Maybe I'm trying to get the grades so that my future will be secure. Good grades do make a different and it makes a different especially when i know that my life in university will soon come to a closure in a years time. Job application and getting the best of the benefits by landing myself in the best company with the best pay and benefits. My future seems bleak now as i look and see what i have now.

What have i done to deserve this? i do not know. The first thing that came to mind was to question You about what had happen. I know for some reason or another that you know why it happen and i really do hope that you could clear my thoughts on this. Why are You allowing me to go through this frustration? Have I been away from You that long? Have i lost my focus from You that allowing me to go through may bring me closer to You? i do not know.

All i can say is that God, if you are up there, let me hear You speak. I need some form of indication of where am i now. Have i lost it? What is my fault? What have i done? Why am i feeling this way? Renting my anger and frustration on You wouldnt solve a problem. All i need is peace and pray that You would put in the joy once more that i have lost in just a few hours ago.

I hope i sleep right now that Ill be able to recuperate from this. I know that I didnt failed. but i know I just lost a good oppurtunity to succeed. I pray that ill be able to regain my composure once more again and try to prepare myself mentally to face the next paper on Thursday.

Need You now desperately in my heart and soul because I know You are the only One who can take it away sadness and replace it with joy, turn a situation around when everything seem so bleak. Thank you, Lord for hearing my frustration that may seem so undeserving to be heard. Amen!

Running Away Seems to be A better choice,
Escaping my fears only to see it Haunt me again,
Cant seem to comprehend what lies ahead,
All my dreams and plans seem to fade away,
Where am i now in life,
Right at the bottom of the ranging ocean wave,
Right at the top where the heavens seems to be an inch near,
Loss and confuse,
Sometimes i just feel like giving up,
But giving in to depression seem to be more of a loss than a gain,
All i hope now is to be able to face my fear,
Know my weakness and downfall,
Build upon a solid foundation,
Than I may stand tall again when face with situation such as this,
Let oppurtunity come and let me be ready to take it,
It comes once in a lifetime,
Once pass never to return,
Once lost never to be found,
My future and life lies in the hand of the One who determined it all,
Jesus save me and make me whole again.

Resurfacing from My Inconsitancy

It has been some time since i last made an entry. I'm kinda disappointed in not having to keep my word to maintain a constant entry everyday. Its hard to say whether its laziness or pure ignorance but i hope to be able to keep up with it this time. I decided not to write about wat had happened before. feels like writing some grandmother story. gonna start writing wat is present and just go on with it till i stop. too many thing i left behind and too many details to be remembered.

Joseph

I just return from a quite long session of bible study. It kinda started late and went on to about 1130pm. I was given a chance by Sis Annette to conduct a bible study session. It wasnt my first time although there were numerous oppurtunities during CG. but i felt that this was my first as i needed to prepared and to do a lil research and thinking in how to conduct this bible study. so i went around online to search on how to make bible study interesting and creative. practically was just experimenting around with a few mediums of presentation and i really hope that the message came through well.

i decided to make the whole session a drawing session because in relation to dreams, its all about images and pictures. so i decided to draw out what we had read from the scriptures. besides that, i decided to change the atmosphere a little and make in such a way we didnt stick to a certain location. so, i decided to go to various places around cyberia in one way to simulate a certain atmosphere that can be related closely to the atmosphere told in the scripture. the places were the home, townhouse playground (as it had a man-hole), carpark and the swimming pool.

why joseph? some may wonder why i chose him as a character to learn about. maybe because i could relate to him well as i myself am a dreamer too. i had always wanted to learn and relate myself to him. surprisingly i realise alot of similarities. maybe my next task is to get to know the other characters that relates to my chracteristics as done during the personality test at the retreat.

My First Visit to TSF, FGAKL (22 February 2004)

Committee retreat had just ended about a while ago. However, i felt like going to church today. Wasn't used to the idea of not attending church on sunday although we did had a little bit of reflection in the morning before we left out apartment. So, knowing that there will be at evening service at FGA, i decided to give it a try. Other than that, i also got word that the today was Extreme Sunday which would feature the newly assembled TSF band and also the FGA youth church band as well.

I came and waited at HB3 for transportation. No one seem to be around at time. However, fortunately i manage to spot Eunice there and decided to bunk up with her while i await for the others. There werent many people today as the South African students were away and would not be comin. So we got ourselves into the quite spacious Kia van (my very first time sitting in a Kia) and the journey took about an hour to reached there.

Reaching there i saw many unfamiliar faces. i was scanning through the crowd to see of people that i knew but only a few were familiar to me. TSF band soon gathered on stage and began leading us to a time of praise and worship. The most outstanding member of the whole team was the guitarist who had long yellow hair and not forgetting a yellow guitar to match as well. Generally, i wasnt all that captivated by the band that perform as i felt that there were pretty normal or somewhat below my expectation. but i guess it takes some time for a new group that has come together to merge and get used to each other.

What was about to come thereafter surprises me. it was time for the Youth Band to come on stage. Decked with an impressive array of line up of musician with cool looking guitar that had something painted on it. there was surprisingly a DJ there as well. When they started pelting out numbers form their album "heartbeat", i could say one thing about them that they were really tight. i was totally absorbed and enjoying every minute of it. besides, they played one of my favourite number on the album that caused me to just praise Him freeflowingly. it was an awesome experience.

At the end of the session, Ps Andrew took over. Boy, did he had a voice. He reminded me of the African American in the USA when they sang. He really had a soulful voice that probably amaze me the most. He then gave a message about on the book of Daniel regarding about how easy it is this days to comform to the world, starting it out with the bumper sticker Christian. Here is the content of the message taken from Mel's blog;

It's easier to die for Jesus than to live for Him"

1) Conforming- Daniel 1:7
From jewish names they were given Babylonian names. It was a call to conform from Jewish ways to Babylonian ways.
Be a NON_Conformist- Know God's purpose for our lives. Seek God. God's purpose shud be our focus.
2) Compromise -Daniel 1:11
Compromise is the slippery ground that leads to Godlessness.
How to prevent--->Read God's word. Be obedient. Embrace God's ways in your life.
3) Control-Daniel 3:13Web and deceit of the Devil is to control our lives.
If your focus is God, you wouldnt let your lives be controlled.
Submit to the rule of God in your lives.
Be able to say NO!.

After a few more songs and a time of jumping out and down as the TSFers were called in front, we were urgent to the eating place right outside the sanctuary. it was a common thing to have dinner after service at TSF. i didnt eat that much but it was good to just mingle around. Manage to catch a few people i knew before and it was good time of fellowship. The ride home was equally interesting as we made a whole load of noise that practically scared the driver himself. A very fruitful day indeed