[FLUSH]

It has been a while that i last blog. The feeling of laziness and of boredom have overshadowed me once again. I have never tried sticking to doing one thing and i realise before completing it, i end up doing something else. Its just my habit of prefering changes that i seem to never settle down on one thing.

One of my reason of starting to write today is to vent out my disappointed and partly to pour our my distress to Him. I needed some form of recuperating that i find myself writing now. Would be taking a nap after my entry in order to regain back my composure again for another session of studying and preparing myself for the next paper on Thursday.

Me and Him

Dear God,

At this point of time, i really feel sorry for myself. Sorry to say that i have disappointed myself and the people around me. I have taken this moment pretty badly knowing the fact that a chance was there and i was too afraid to take it that i lost my focus and ultimately saw success taken away from me. I really do not know wat to say or wat to feel. All i can say now is that I'm seriously disappointed at myself for not achieving the mark. Maybe I'm trying to get the grades so that my future will be secure. Good grades do make a different and it makes a different especially when i know that my life in university will soon come to a closure in a years time. Job application and getting the best of the benefits by landing myself in the best company with the best pay and benefits. My future seems bleak now as i look and see what i have now.

What have i done to deserve this? i do not know. The first thing that came to mind was to question You about what had happen. I know for some reason or another that you know why it happen and i really do hope that you could clear my thoughts on this. Why are You allowing me to go through this frustration? Have I been away from You that long? Have i lost my focus from You that allowing me to go through may bring me closer to You? i do not know.

All i can say is that God, if you are up there, let me hear You speak. I need some form of indication of where am i now. Have i lost it? What is my fault? What have i done? Why am i feeling this way? Renting my anger and frustration on You wouldnt solve a problem. All i need is peace and pray that You would put in the joy once more that i have lost in just a few hours ago.

I hope i sleep right now that Ill be able to recuperate from this. I know that I didnt failed. but i know I just lost a good oppurtunity to succeed. I pray that ill be able to regain my composure once more again and try to prepare myself mentally to face the next paper on Thursday.

Need You now desperately in my heart and soul because I know You are the only One who can take it away sadness and replace it with joy, turn a situation around when everything seem so bleak. Thank you, Lord for hearing my frustration that may seem so undeserving to be heard. Amen!

Running Away Seems to be A better choice,
Escaping my fears only to see it Haunt me again,
Cant seem to comprehend what lies ahead,
All my dreams and plans seem to fade away,
Where am i now in life,
Right at the bottom of the ranging ocean wave,
Right at the top where the heavens seems to be an inch near,
Loss and confuse,
Sometimes i just feel like giving up,
But giving in to depression seem to be more of a loss than a gain,
All i hope now is to be able to face my fear,
Know my weakness and downfall,
Build upon a solid foundation,
Than I may stand tall again when face with situation such as this,
Let oppurtunity come and let me be ready to take it,
It comes once in a lifetime,
Once pass never to return,
Once lost never to be found,
My future and life lies in the hand of the One who determined it all,
Jesus save me and make me whole again.