Happy Good Friday

I feel confuse and lost. It is Good Friday, the day when Jesus was crucified at the Cross. His sacrifice allowed us to be redeemed from sin that we may be forgiven and have eternal life. God took our place on the cross and beared our transgression. As I am reminded of this event, I feel so guilty thinking about the sins that I commited both in the past and present. I feel so unworthy to be called a son of God, a royal priesthood. There are many things that I can think of that does not qualify me to be called a Christian, or a follower of Christ. My life seems like in a mess. I can hardly focus on becoming the man that God has intended me to be. Each time I try to be, I fail. I succumbed to temptations because my spirit is weak. I try as much to seek Him daily yet many times I compromise. The foundation in which I stand remains weak. It would soon give way. The notion of giving up passes through my mine. What is the use of trying when you know that you would succumbed and fall? It seems my mind is lopsided. At one end, I believe that God is giving me a second chance every time I fall. A second chance that seems to be infinity. I fall and He live me up. The process repeats itself. I wonder whether should I stay on the course or give up on the promises that God has blessed me with. A faint whisper seems to come from the other end. It calls to me to just forget about God's promises because I would never be able to obtain it. It seems that I am not worthy to receive this blessing. I am confuse. Who should I listen to?

Distractions. I believe it is. How do I differiate what this distraction are? I am reminded of the message that Doreen brought to us in the previous CF. We need cut down on the things that we do and use the time to spend time with Him. Am I not spending enough time with Him? I believe so. Is it affecting my faith and how I deal with decisions in life? I guess so since I am struggling with myself most of the time. It seems a hyprocrasy at times when people looked up to you at times for the things you do yet do not have a hint about who you really are and what you are going through. At times, I project myself as a holy Christian. I attend church regularly every week and participate passionately in things pertaining to CF. At times, I feel joy serving and doing all things. Sometimes, I just feel empty because of the struggles I face within myself. How do I remain consistent in my faith so that I do not loose focus on the Cross? I know I can't. I go through phases in life when at times I am at my high while at times I fall into the low zone. It seems like a sinusoidal wave. I have heard many people say that it is all part of life. Is going through the high and low in life part of life or is it just an excuse that we give ourselves in order to escape reality? Many times I get so fed up with my life that I questioned my reliability. I want to always be on a high consistently but it seems unattainable. I can only asked Him to teach and guide me. There is so much fear in me. Fear of myself falling again. The fear of God giving up and remaining silence just like in the scriptures. Fear of loosing the blessings and the blessings turning into curses instead. I fear of loosing His favour. I am reminded constantly of my experience with loss and I do not want to experience it again.

As I ponder on my life and reflect upon this week where we would be commemorating the death and ressurection of Christ, I asked God for only one thing. I asked that He would help me sacrifice my life to Him so that I may rise above the circumstances in life and be able to remain at a place where I would be able to experience love, joy and peace all the days of my life. I need to get back on my feet and stand before God so that He would guide me through each and everyday of my life. Its no point believing in Jesus or say that I am a Christian if I do not even reflect Christ in my life both in my public and private life. I need to be serious with this life that He has given and focus my attention on Jesus. I am weak but He is strong. Oh God, where would I be if not because of You. I could sing of Your love forever. Happy Good Friday. A good and happy day because Christ died that we may have life and life abundantly.