[FLUSH]

The End

With one chapter to go in "Not Even A Hint", i couldnt wait to finish reading it just before i went to bed last night. I had turn in early the night before due to my unability to concentrate on what i was reading. Instead of merely idling around, i decided to rest early but before i could, i needed just to end my day with a last helping of Not Even A Hint. It has been a very fruitful reading thus far. Taking time to read during this exam period in some sense spurred my desire to begin reading again. The last i could remember picking up a book to read it entirely was a few years ago. My desire to read had began to die away except the occasional readings of the newspapers or articles that i come across either in the printed form or throught the internet. I had lost my passion to sit and read and merely fed my reading habits with short reading which i find much more interesting. Anyway, i was delighted to have finish reading "Not Even A Hint" and cant wait to have another helping before i continue back on left-behind book which i started long time ago "Courageous Leadership" by Bill Hybels.

My reading of "Not Even A Hint" ended with Chapter 10 : Holiness Is A Harvest - How Can I Sow to the Spirit? I can say for sure it was a very nice way to end it by challenging us to continue to be holy in our ways and draw close to Him. Although i started reading with an intention to find ways to help me out of my lust, i found out in the end it was a reminder of a simple truth which was to draw close to Him. It darn upon me that althought this book addresses lust but the crust of this book wasnt lust at all. It was purely coming back to my First Love. To contiously commune in Him through prayer and the reading of the Word. Two very basic and clear actions that we sometimes that for granted of. This book did address lust but it also could be used to address the sins in our hearts be it lust, adultery, backstabbing or even impurities that we keep within us that draw us away from Him. I realise that our struggles are actually a means of showing us how far away we are from Him. It shows that the reason we are caught in sin is because we have grown distance from Him which cause us to dwell into sin. As the author mention, it is either we sow of the grounds of righteouness or the grounds of sin. If we intend to face our struggles and break away from sin, we should stop sowing in the grounds of sin and began sowing in the grounds of righteousness.

It truly made me wonder and realise that i have neglected my faith in some aspect and lost my passion of getting to know my Saviour or even my faith as a Christian. Have i forgotten? I guess i have. Forgetting to a point that i began to dwelt in sin secretly although my appearance as a "Christian" cause me to put up a mask that hid my true self from others around me. I feel so ashamed and guilty of my actions. Guilt would not cause me to dwell in it further but to realise that my direction has swivered away from the path that He has laid for me, His plans and His future for my life. Having knowledge is one thing, taking action to rectify that realisation takes a discipline and determination to come back to Him.

Looking at my current situation of pursuing a relationship, i intend to change before i take the next step in bringing that relationship to another level. It is best to settle my struggles before entering into a relationship less it turns sour and problems may arise due to my unability to change.

A Thought On Relationship

I had a very good conversation last night while studying with one of my "girlfriend". Girlfriends? Yes, girlfriends! Girls whom i had grown close to in the pass years mainly through chats and to be able to share my thoughts and life freely with them which in a way has blessed me abundantly. Some of this girls i would say I had considered before but felt that it was better to be friends than to pursue as lovers. There is only a handful of them and looking at it, i can say for sure i have also a handful of people whom i can call as close. This are the people whom i am comfortable with sharing and mainly i am myself most of the time when im with them. No pressures, no expectations, just pure openess and friendship. Come to think of it, most of those i am close with aren't from the CF. My group of close friends are countable and are equal in belief, Christians and non-Christians. I have alwasy this thought to be relevant and not be close minded to think that close friends are limited to people of the same belief. Besides, this group of close friends are people whom i feel are who they are rather than being who they think they should be. I realise that is why most of them arent from the CF. Its pretty ackward as i speak that even people of the same belief do put up a variety of masks which sometimes i find it hard knowing who they really are.

I was pretty excited when one of my "girlfriends" tolme that she had just started a relationship with a guy. Actually the news came abit earlier than expected as her initial plan was to tell him on his birthday which was 2 days away. I was glad that i was inform and felt happy that she had finally found her One. After 3 years of friendship and him being his first, i would say it was an ideal decision to make. A decision that was based on friendship first and slowly progress to another higher level. At that point of time, i began to reflect on my relationship and my principles on it. I feel ashamed that i had not lived up to my principles. Principles that i hold so strongly but failed to meet it when faced with it.

I have gotten to know a girl who i believe had progress a little too fast. Maybe the constant chats had allowed us to got to know each other better and i felt that i would want to bring it to another level. At one time i do admit me being afraid of the pace that i was in and decided to have a talk with her and see how we can slow it down a little. I prayed about it alot, hoping that He would show me His way. And i believe it is so as my options had been cut down to one and sharing it with her seem to show some similiarities as well. its hard to know whether it is His will but having the peace in my heart and also the joy and being comfortable of being myself when im with her strengthened my decision. I am still praying. Praying for both of us that we would equip ourselves and when the time is right for us to start it of, it was because of His grace and not because of our effort alone. So I'm leaving this thought aside at the moment and want to concentrate on my last paper before thinking about it. At the mean time, i will continue to pray fervantly and seek His will for my life. Thanks for reminding me, gal!