The Past...

I had left this place for quite along time despite having much to say yet was unable to find the oppurtunity to sit down and pour my thoughts out. By now, much have been lost but I would try my best to render whatever that is left in my brain for now.

The year 2004 brought about many happy and sad moments in my life. There were so many things I thank God for and I am thankful that I have not only grown a year older but also a year wiser in many aspect of my life. Here are some of my learnings of the year.

God

He has been speaking to me constantly throughout this year. I had grown in some ways and also fallen in some areas due to my disobedience. It was not a very fruitful year for me in terms of my spirituallity. I reckon that I had backslided in ways that I only knew. My faith was not as strong and I was beginning to take God for granted in many ways. This was evident when worship became a singing session, prayer was merely coming up with words and the Word seems just a bunch of stories. I could not sense Him. There was no passion or desire. My interest for church began to downsize and I was just hanging on by a ritual rather than a relationship.

Me

The spiritual dryness within me had led to a change of behaviour and character that I was uncustomed to. I began to be proud, judgemental and irritated with things around me. My actions had taken a toll and the people that were around me suffered as a result of my behaviour. I had hurt many without even realising it.

Relationship

At the beginning of this year, I met someone whom I had grown close and fond of. She was someone that I like being with and who had some of the qualities I admire. I had foreseen that this relationship to last and was putting much hope into being with her. However, I guess I was not spiritually strong and mentally matured to start a relationship. I had been disobedient to His calling to draw close to Him and succumbed myself to temptation that I had previously placed a strong stand against. My failure to realise and to act upon it resulted in me loosing that relationship. I was utterly depressed and sad over it. There were many nights I lay in bed crying out to Him for a reason eventhough I knew the answer. Other than that, my relationship with others also suffered. I felt alone and was in search of a friend. In the end, I found Him.

In conclusion...

God had brought me through this time for a reason and I am thankful to Him for putting me through this situation. Out of this, I had began to realise my incapabilities and that I needed Him to be the centre of my life. There were many times when I had place my own strength before His strength. I took matter into my hands rather that submitting my situation to the hands of God. At that point of time, I knew that I was nothing and that I could not do anything unless God was with me. There was nothing I could depend on except Him. Nothing seem to last forever except the love of God. My life was not my own but was of Him. I repented of my ways, crying out to Him to take my life and make it His own. This was when I decided to rededicate my life to Him on 25 December 2004. I wanted to put the past behind and approach the new year with full of the desire and passion to live for Him and Him alone.