Home Alone

Alone. No one around. Parents and sis were in KL. I had return home because I was scheduled to play. It was quiet. I didn't feel like going out. Lazy. Just wanted to be a slob. Sat in front of the TV and channel surf.

In my idleness............................................................

Some were good, some were not.
Felt a sense of loneliness.
Wish I had someone to talk to.
To share my thoughts, to be heard.
I began to recall a friend whom I used to talk to. We could talk about anything under sun.
It felt good.
I lost that friend as time past.
It was difficult at first. I soon began to get used to it.
I missed those times.
Now, much of my thought are kept within. At times, some may hear of it. Much is still within.
I am still waiting for such a friend.
A friend I could talk to.
A simple request, a difficult respond.

Career have started.
A year or so have passed.
I enjoy working.
No exams. No studying.
Perfect for someone like me.
At times it gets hectic, at times it just plain sailiing.
Love to contribute. Love to initiate.
Despite the tight deadlines and the urgency of certain issues, I like it.
Something different instead of the mundane routine of work.
Answering calls, Attending to emails, Logging tickets.
Working with various people.
A challenge.
Where do I go from here? Do I stay? Do I move on?
Alot to think about. I wonder if this is neccessary.
Constantly reminded to live by the day.
How can I if I do not plan?

One of the fear that human have is inability to control a situation.
Unable to plan. Unable to see where the future is heading. Unable to do anything.
Handicapped.
Trust God?
Hard to follow especially when you would need to leave everything and Let God.
No control.
Uncertainty.
What do the future holds?
Where are we going?
Outsourcing?
SAP? Leadership? Management? Business? Passion?

Am I falling way?
Serve in church but not active.
Do not attend CG, Do not attend Young Adult
Undecided over Drama Ministry
Commitment. Can I?
Feeling neglected. Feeling out of place.
Am I not comfortable? Am I just avoiding because of pride?
Who can I be accountable to?
Distant.

Feeling dejected.
No respond. Silence.
Is there something wrong with me?
I feel. I think. I'm scared to tell.
Scared of rejection
I don't want to regret.
Trying to care. Trying to be a friend. Trying to give encouragement.
I see potential.
I don't know why but I know.
I struggle. Tried to erase it yet the thought still looms.
I dreamt.
Is it the coming of age? Is it time? When is the right time?
Shall I pray? Shall I fast?
I want to share the joy. To share.
To learn to be a better person. To complement. To support. To grow up.

Family.
Love them.
Yet I struggle.
A hedge of protection. Protective.
Still treated as a kid.
When can I be treated seriously despite the playful side of me?
Should I change to being serious to be taken seriously?
Am I a joke or just a good boy?
I want to take control of my life. To do things I would like to do.
Life is short. My dreams are big. How can I fulfill it?
Am I selfish to think of doing my own things?
Independance.
Can I be trusted? Can you let me go?
Am I mixing with a bad company?
Have I change?
I just need some encouragement.
I cry. The sensitive part of me.

TV. Media. Advertisement. Entertainment. Popularity.
Being in the spotlight.
Shooting a film. Getting involve in theatre. Having my own event company.
How do I get there? When is the right time?
Should I follow my heart? Should I remain where I am?
I wanna be creative. It is through creativity that I find myself.
To be able to innovate. To exchange ideas. To visualise.
Pictures is what I see. Words I hope to read.

Open. Transparent. Good.
Lost at times.
I need You. Can I overcome it? How? When?
Purity. Holiness. Habit.
I think too much. Life is simple with direction.

.............................A rambling of my thoughts.Blah!