Thank You Jesus!

It had been a week I struggled with personally. My thoughts had taken over me and my emotions had overwhelmed me. I felt weak and succumbed to it. I had allowed myself to wollow into self pity and became depressed. There was no one to blame except myself. Unknowingly, I had become agitated, sensitive and frustrated with those around me. Those who came my way were hurt insignificantly by my ignorance and arrogance. I had caused others around me to feel uneasy with me and I believe they were hurt by my inconsiderate actions. In a state such as this, I had no one to turn to. I looked for people that I could pour my heart yet could not think of anyone in mind. Those who were close to me were only a handful and were either away or occupied. There were only two options left for me to release my deepest feelings, to pray or to write on my blog. It was obvious at this moment that I realised I did not had a support group to go to or maybe I was unwilling to share with anyone. My writings were mainly a way to say something hoping for a response or a some encouragement. I knew I was not going to get any as my writings were seldom read by anyone considering the long winded stories that bored the lights of those who passes by. My blog was unlike others I had come across where people respond when in their time of need. At this point, I began to feel alone and empty.

I was left with no other option then to come back to the One who has always been there by my side yet neglected most of the time. My heart was broken. I knew that I was not worthy to stand before Him again and asked for His help as I would only be at His feet in desperate times only. My relationship with my Creator was an unhealthy one. I had not spend as much time as I needed to know Him. Despite knowing this, I still felt a certain closeness as I knew and felt Him near me. I had to confessed that my faith was on a verge of breaking down. My realisation was brought about by my involvement in church and cf. I had began to disassociate myself from God's people and at times speaking unlikely of them. Pride had filled by heart blocking away the love that used to reside within me. All this while I hide myself within a mask of a Christian yet my inner self was wretched and filthy. No one knew except me and my Creator.

The plan's of God had been timely. I felt that He was sending a desperate message to me. He was calling me back to Him once again. It was gentle warning to me. I began to sense that all my joy, gifts and blessings that He had given to me thus far would be taken away if I did not heed to His call. He put me through a test that broke me and came to my rescue the following my asking me to come back to His house and He spoke to me. I went to church that day to attend the youth service which I had not attend for many years except for special occasion. I had forgotten about the topic that would be discussed although getting a mail about it. It was about BGR.

As I sat and listened to a panel of people comprising of married couples from my church, I thought that He was addressing an issue that I had been dealing with. However, God has His ways and pointed out a direct indication in my relationship with Him instead. It was one of the panel's answers that caught my attention, "Your partner should love God more than love you." I began to realised that I had not love God more than anything else. My love was placed in everything else besides God. I knew that it was a message of truth.

I sat in my bed the night before and prayed with tear in my eyes asking God to take away the pain in me and bring back the joy, peace and love that only God can give to me. I did not know how to face another day without hurt. God had been gracious to me. He had send me a fellow church member the night before that I was able to shared my pain and her SMSes comforted me a little. Things began to get better the next day at work. My mind was kept occupied in trying to solve some programming problems and it gave me space to heal. I began to realise how foolish to feel that way. It was my own doing that had brought me such pain and I suffered through my own anguish. I had placed my thoughts on unworthy things that had robbed me of the joy. I knew then I should not dwell on petty issues and grow overly sensitive over it. Time is short and the amount that was left was needed to be used for something better than this. God has been good and I thank Him for always being so faithful and gracious to me. I thank you Lord and would like to say how much I love you for being there when I needed someone the most. You will always be here for me and for those who are going through a similar scenario as myself. Thank you!